A couple of weeks ago we got called to a intoxicated man that decided he wanted to go swimming in a pond by his apartment. Sounds like a great thing to do after drinking doesn't it? The police had "fished" him out before I got there, so I didn't get to do any kind of a "water rescue", but we still had to bring him to the hospital because he was too drunk to stay there. As we were helping him to the cot, I asked if he had any ID on him. He told me that he did in his pocket, so my partner went to get it. Now, when you are told that the man you are searching has a wallet on him, and he has a bulge in his front pocket, you would assume it was that wallet that you were looking for, right? Nope. So my partner went to pull out what we thought was a wallet, but instead she pulled out...a soaking box of Mac and Cheese!
Seriously! All I hear is my partner saying, "well that is interesting", so I turned around to look at what she was commenting about. I almost wet my pants when I saw the water logged box. I asked the man why he had a box of Mac and Cheese in his pocket, and he told me calmly, "I was going to make dinner later. I have tuna in the other pocket." That is when I lost it! Who carries Mac and Cheese and tuna in their pockets? And who thinks making dinner after swimming in a pond with your food in your pocket is a good idea? I guess it is true, alcohol really does impair your judgement!
So my next nominee for "the most smartest person in the world" goes to a guy I brought to the hospital just this past week. We had been called out to a house (and I use that word lightly as this "house" was actually a single wide trailer that had been made into a duplex), for an assault. A man, in his mid 40's had told us along with the police, that he had been attacked by his girlfriend. OK, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, well, until I saw his girlfriend. She was about 5 foot nothing, a 100 pounds soaking wet, and did I mention...80! With no teeth! This is kind of what she looked like.
I asked him if he had been gummed to death?! So I helped him to the cot, when I noticed it...the man was wearing...women, lacy panties! I so wanted to ask that burning question, "so is that Victoria's Secret? She sells man panties?", but I didn't. I tried with all of my might to not laugh out loud, and managed to do so, but, I also pointed out these panties to all of the fire fighters that were standing around. I made it to the hospital without incident, and of course thought in my report to the nurse I should point out the panties on my patient. The nurse waited no time in saying, "nice panties, where did you get them?". Again, I lost it! What I didn't expect, was my patient to start this long explanation of why he was wearing the panties. According to my patient, he is allergic to cotton and really likes the soft feel of the silk on his, shall we say, "man parts". I did tell him they make men underwear in silk, but he said he liked the lace on these. Are you serious? I thanked him for at least not going "commando", and walked away. A few minutes later, as I was finishing my report, I heard the patient yell with the top of his lungs, from his room, "I'm allergic to cotton, and I like the way these feel!"
See what I mean, God has a genius sense of humor...and apparently, so do I!
